Grieving for someone you’ve never met

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, so I thought this would be the perfect day to share the story of our baby we never got to meet.

June 27, 2015 is a day I will never forget. I had been anxiously awaiting this day all week. I had decided this day would be my “deadline” day of starting my period. If I hadn’t started by then, I was going to take a test! I was attending a bridal shower that day and knew there would be alcoholic drinks, so I wanted to make sure I wasn’t pregnant before enjoying one. This particular Saturday my husband also had to work, so that gave me the opportunity to plan a surprise if the test came out positive. As soon as he left for work I jumped up and headed to the bathroom to test. I honestly did not expect to see a positive result, we had only been trying for three months and I had reminded myself many times (as did my doctor when I told her our plans to begin trying) that it can take healthy couples up to one year to get pregnant. I peed on the stick and set it aside, glancing at the time so I knew when my three minutes of waiting would be up. My dogs had joined me at this point and we were having a waiting party together in the bathroom. I checked my phone and it had been three minutes, so I picked up the test along with the wrapper, fully expecting to throw it in the trash. Shut up! SHUT UP! I said out loud as I saw two pink lines staring back at me. I repeated this a few more times, prompting the dogs to get excited with me even though they had no clue why we were excited!

I decided I needed to take another test to really believe it, so I headed to Walmart. In my excitement/disbelief/still not fully awake state, I somehow forgot about the three other stores much closer to our house that were also already open by this point. I remember walking into Walmart so scared someone was going to see me buying a pregnancy test. I felt like I was 16 years old and had NO business buying a pregnancy test. I kept reminding myself that I was 30 years old and married, and definitely was allowed to be buying a pregnancy test. (Disclaimer: a year later and losing count of how many tests I have taken in the past year, I still get the same nervous feeling when buying a test. My worst fear became a reality a few months ago, I’ll share that story another time). I walked in and headed straight to the where they keep the pregnancy tests which is very close to the front door. Just as I was about to turn from the front entrance I see a lady walking towards the entrance/exit and instantly recognize her. Crap! I say to myself as I quickly head towards the aisle hoping she did not see me. What in the world is one of our friend’s mom doing in Walmart this early in the morning I think to myself as my heart begins to race. I quickly walked down the aisle and grabbed two tests as discreetly as possible, then decided I needed to head straight down the next aisle to give her time to have exited the store. I walk down the next aisle and turn to head back up the other side and toward the check out when I see her at the opposite end waiting for me! Hi Lindsey! she says as I stop dead in my tracks. The end cap of this aisle had beach towels hanging on it so, I did what any normal person would do and I hid my hand with the tests behind it and stood there at the opposite end of the aisle talking to her, refusing to move any closer up the aisle towards her. We chatted for a few seconds and then she headed to leave. I’m sure she thought I was acting like a werido that morning, and I fully planned to tell her this “funny story” as soon as we could announce that we were pregnant.

I got home and took two more tests, both positive. I took a picture of the tests, I have no idea why because I had no intent of sending it to anyone. I realized I had to quickly decide how I was going to tell Mark when I got home that evening because I needed to get ready and head to meet my friends to go to the shower. Just as I was about to leave I remembered that I needed to check the iPad because there have been times my pictures on my phone have gone to the iPad and I did not want Mark seeing the picture. I checked the iPad and it wasn’t on there so I headed out the door. It worked out that I was meeting my friends at the outlet mall so we could ride together to Cincinnati, so I decided I would go to a baby store and buy a baby bib that said something about “Daddy” on it. Easy enough. Have you ever looked for a bib that says something about “Daddy” on it? After going into three stores and not finding one single bib, onesie, etc that says “Daddy”, I had to settle on a gender neutral onesie as my friends were about to pull in the parking lot. When they asked me what I bought at Carters I quickly answered that my sister in law had asked me to pick up something for my niece. I made it through the shower only being asked once why I wasn’t drinking a Mimosa. I gave some lame excuse of orange juice hurts my stomach and hoped no one asked again. I was so anxious to get home and share the good news with Mark. I had butterflies the whole way home and guarantee I should have gotten my who knows what number speeding ticket, but I made it. I ran in, said Hi to Mark who was in the living room, and headed straight to the office to grab a gift bag. I pulled the onesie out of my purse and stuffed it in the gift bag and walked into the living room. Mark was standing there with the biggest grin on his face. What? I asked as I handed him the bag. He just kept grinning as he held the gift bag and pointed at the ipad. Are you kidding me?? I asked. The picture had went to the iPad AFTER I had checked and he had already saw it. He pulled out the onesie still wearing the biggest smile I’ve seen and I began telling him the whole story of how my morning went. We were both that happiest we have ever been and nothing could take the smiles off our faces.

We were excited to tell someone our great news but also cautious as two of our very close friends had both suffered miscarriages four months earlier. We decided we would only tell our parents and siblings until we had our first appointment. We were in the process of beginning to build a new home so on the plans we crossed out what had originally said “Office” and wrote in “Baby Lightle’s room beginning March 2016”. My sister in law is a NP at my OBGYN office so she arranged for me to come in the following Monday to have my HCG drawn to confirm pregnancy. The two days waiting for the results were torturous but I finally got the call Wednesday as I was leaving work that we were indeed pregnant, however it was very early and we needed to have the lab drawn again just to make sure it was doubling like it was supposed to. I had my labs drawn the following Monday at the hospital where I worked so that I could get the results that same day. After a couple hours, the result was back and it looked good! I texted my sister in law and let her know what it was and she said we could probably do an ultrasound the following Friday. Mark and I met for lunch and discussed our future baby the whole time. We still couldn’t believe this was real! We were actually having a baby!

That evening I went to the restroom right before I was leaving to head home from work and my heart dropped. I had started to spot. I told myself this was normal and headed home. The whole way home I had a feeling in my gut that this wasn’t going to turn out well. I got home and went to the restroom hoping it had stopped but it hadn’t. I yelled for Mark and told him what was going on. He grabbed his phone and a couple seconds later he is reading to me from google how it can be normal in early pregnancy. I tried to stay calm but I had a feeling deep down that I was miscarrying. I cried some that evening while Mark continued to be the optimist and tell me everything was going to be fine. The next day I continued to spot off and on just a tiny bit. I googled all day long which resulted in me one minute verifying my worst fear that I was indeed having a miscarriage, to feeling relief reading how common it is and is nothing to worry about especially being as light as it was. I ended up texting my sister in law that evening telling her what was going on. She reassured me it could be normal, and if it wasn’t heavy bleeding there was no need to worry and to take it easy and rest. The following day I texted her and told her that Mark and I were going crazy and could not stop worrying. The spotting had not stopped and I wanted to check my HCG levels to see what was going on. The following morning on Thursday, I had my blood drawn before going in to work. Around noon our worst fear was confirmed. My HCG level had dropped significantly. I called Mark who was at lunch with coworkers and quickly told him the news. I walked out of work without saying a word, got in my car, and drove to a park nearby. I sent my sister in law a text with the result, and within minutes she was calling me. As soon as I said hello the tears came. Mark came to the park and we sat in my car cried. I was devastated that we had lost our baby, but seeing how upset he was broke my heart into a million more pieces.

The following weeks were difficult and we relied on our close friends who had experienced this same pain before us. During this time I thought about how I wish I would have done more for my two girl friends who had went through this just a few months ago. I of course, had reached out to them and told them how sorry I was, but until you have experienced this, you have no idea how it feels. I also realized how lucky I was to have two friends who could relate to what I was feeling and had felt the same type of pain, anger, and disappointment I was feeling. (Side note: both of these friends now have beautiful babies that continue to give me hope our day is coming).

Going through a miscarriage is one of the most emotional things I have ever experienced. Going from feeling such happiness and excitement for the future to feeling like you have been kicked in the stomach and grieving for someone you never even laid eyes on is very difficult. We miscarried at six weeks, and some may say “was it even a baby yet”, all I can say for us is, Yes. Yes it was a baby, it was our baby, our baby that we had hoped and prayed for long before those six weeks, our baby that I still think about all the time, that I would think about how far along I would have been as those next months went on, that I thought about when we moved into our new home and there wasn’t a Baby Lightle’s Room, that I still think about how old he or she would be now and what our lives would be like. The onesie that I bought Mark is still currently hanging along side his clothes in our closet, and I know one day we will have our baby to put in it.