Our Stork Is Lost

Before I decided to start this blog, there were many other blogs I had started following and In Due Time is one of my favorites. A couple days ago, Caroline wrote the following post that is so well written and I can relate to 100% that I had to share a link to it here.

A Letter to the Mom Who Didn’t Have to Wait

PS-Caroline also recently wrote her first book that I am currently reading and loving, check it out while you’re there!

Think about when you were a kid and you were trying out for a sport you wanted to play. You had practiced, did everything the coach told you to do, but you still didn’t make the team. Add to that, the feeling of sitting in the stands watching everyone around you, friends, family, strangers, people on TV, all getting to play this game you so desperately want to play. That is the best way I can explain how infertility feels. I just can’t seem to make the “Mom Team” no matter how hard I try.

I would be lying if I said there haven’t been times I’ve felt like an outsider, even with our closest friends and family. Sure, we aren’t the only ones without kids, but we are the only ones without kids that are openly trying to have kids right now. The majority of our close friends either already have kids or are pregnant. I sometimes worry that since we aren’t on the team, that we may somehow drift away from those who have been our closest friends for years.

It’s been a tough thing to navigate, and in the beginning I honestly didn’t know how to. There would be times that I felt jealous and envious of our friends, and even sadness when we found out someone was pregnant, because we still weren’t. That then led to guilt and being angry with myself because these are people we love, how can I feel these things!? It took a while for me to accept that it is part of what comes with infertility and luckily I have been able to move past those feelings and thankfully no longer experience them. It took me realizing and reminding myself more times then I could count, that there is a reason that God is making us take the long way around. I have prayed a lot to be able to release those negative feelings and be able to once again be happy and celebrate in the joy of a new baby like I desperately wanted to with our close friends.

I think it can be a challenge for those that are close with someone going through infertility as well. You don’t know what to do or say, you don’t want to pry but also don’t want to come across as not caring. There are times when those of you with kids are getting together, do you invite the one without a kid? What’s worse, the possibility of her coming and feeling sad the whole time because everyone has kids but her, and the majority of conversations are about the kids, pregnancy experiences, etc. Or, being left out because she doesn’t have a kid? I can say personally, being left out would hurt me more than being around everyone with a kid. I absolutely love every one of our friends’ kids and truly enjoy being around them. I think it would make me feel like more of an “outsider” if I knew I wasn’t invited to something because I wasn’t a mom yet. However, I am human, and there have been times when it seems like every conversation when I’m with my girl friends is babies, and I have nothing to contribute to the conversation, so I sit quietly reminding myself that someday I too will have things in common with them again. Everyone is different, and there are some people who are going through this that cannot handle being around kids or pregnant women at all. So my advice if you know anyone struggling with infertility, is to just remember everyone deals with things differently and not to take it personal if that person withdraws a little or declines an invitation (especially a baby shower, those can be tough!), but please try not to exclude them just because they aren’t a Mom yet.

Infertility sucks, and the emotions that come with it are difficult and can be exhausting. But, after 21 months, it has gotten a bit easier, thanks to our friends, our families, and God. I’ve finally come to terms that there is a reason for this, and even though I may not see it or understand it, we are blessed that God already knows how its all going to turn out, and even if we aren’t able to have our own baby, on our own, we still have plenty of options left to get me on that Mom Team. 🙂

We had our follow up appointment a few weeks ago and discussed with our doctor what our options are now that we know that a tube is blocked. The doctor explained that the only way to know 100% if it is completely blocked is to do surgery, but he is convinced that it is due to the dye not flowing out at all on the HSG. Based on the scenario of a blocked tube, we were given the following options:

Do nothing and continue trying on our own (yeah right!)

Try IUI again

Have surgery to completely close off/detach the fallopian tube and then try on our own

Move on to IVF

Have surgery to completely close off/detach the fallopian tube and then do IVF.

Mark and I had already discussed before the appointment that we definitely wanted to do something other than trying on our own, or doing another IUI which we had already tried twice with no success.

The doctor explained that some studies have shown IVF can sometimes have a lower success rate with a blocked tube without surgery. After discussing the details of the surgery along with the details of the IVF process, and our doctor’s opinion on if surgery was necessary at this time, we decided to not do the surgery yet. Mark 100% does not want me to have to have surgery if it can be avoided, and our doctor believes that there is not enough of a difference in success rates between having the surgery and not having the surgery before IVF. Since we are blessed to have some insurance coverage for IVF, we decided we would probably try IVF first, and if it did not work, we could always revisit having the surgery before doing IVF again.

We didn’t give the office our final answer that day. We have taken some time to think about and discuss what we feel is the best decision for us right now. I am typically a very indecisive person, however with this whole infertility process I have known exactly what I want to do with each decision we have been faced with which is a blessing, especially for Mark who has to deal with my indecisiveness on a daily basis! We took into account that since we have insurance coverage to help with the cost of IVF (even though it will only cover one round, we are very lucky to have any coverage at all) that we kind of have an almost free shot once at IVF. If it works the first time, we not only will have our baby, but will also not have to worry about having the surgery.

So, it’s official, we will be doing IVF in December!

We are both nervous and excited, while trying not to get our hopes up too high as it is common to have to do multiple rounds of IVF before it is successful. We appreciate the continued prayers as we prepare to begin this next part of our journey that is somewhat scary and unfamiliar for us.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, so I thought this would be the perfect day to share the story of our baby we never got to meet.

June 27, 2015 is a day I will never forget. I had been anxiously awaiting this day all week. I had decided this day would be my “deadline” day of starting my period. If I hadn’t started by then, I was going to take a test! I was attending a bridal shower that day and knew there would be alcoholic drinks, so I wanted to make sure I wasn’t pregnant before enjoying one. This particular Saturday my husband also had to work, so that gave me the opportunity to plan a surprise if the test came out positive. As soon as he left for work I jumped up and headed to the bathroom to test. I honestly did not expect to see a positive result, we had only been trying for three months and I had reminded myself many times (as did my doctor when I told her our plans to begin trying) that it can take healthy couples up to one year to get pregnant. I peed on the stick and set it aside, glancing at the time so I knew when my three minutes of waiting would be up. My dogs had joined me at this point and we were having a waiting party together in the bathroom. I checked my phone and it had been three minutes, so I picked up the test along with the wrapper, fully expecting to throw it in the trash. Shut up! SHUT UP! I said out loud as I saw two pink lines staring back at me. I repeated this a few more times, prompting the dogs to get excited with me even though they had no clue why we were excited!

I decided I needed to take another test to really believe it, so I headed to Walmart. In my excitement/disbelief/still not fully awake state, I somehow forgot about the three other stores much closer to our house that were also already open by this point. I remember walking into Walmart so scared someone was going to see me buying a pregnancy test. I felt like I was 16 years old and had NO business buying a pregnancy test. I kept reminding myself that I was 30 years old and married, and definitely was allowed to be buying a pregnancy test. (Disclaimer: a year later and losing count of how many tests I have taken in the past year, I still get the same nervous feeling when buying a test. My worst fear became a reality a few months ago, I’ll share that story another time). I walked in and headed straight to the where they keep the pregnancy tests which is very close to the front door. Just as I was about to turn from the front entrance I see a lady walking towards the entrance/exit and instantly recognize her. Crap! I say to myself as I quickly head towards the aisle hoping she did not see me. What in the world is one of our friend’s mom doing in Walmart this early in the morning I think to myself as my heart begins to race. I quickly walked down the aisle and grabbed two tests as discreetly as possible, then decided I needed to head straight down the next aisle to give her time to have exited the store. I walk down the next aisle and turn to head back up the other side and toward the check out when I see her at the opposite end waiting for me! Hi Lindsey! she says as I stop dead in my tracks. The end cap of this aisle had beach towels hanging on it so, I did what any normal person would do and I hid my hand with the tests behind it and stood there at the opposite end of the aisle talking to her, refusing to move any closer up the aisle towards her. We chatted for a few seconds and then she headed to leave. I’m sure she thought I was acting like a werido that morning, and I fully planned to tell her this “funny story” as soon as we could announce that we were pregnant.

I got home and took two more tests, both positive. I took a picture of the tests, I have no idea why because I had no intent of sending it to anyone. I realized I had to quickly decide how I was going to tell Mark when I got home that evening because I needed to get ready and head to meet my friends to go to the shower. Just as I was about to leave I remembered that I needed to check the iPad because there have been times my pictures on my phone have gone to the iPad and I did not want Mark seeing the picture. I checked the iPad and it wasn’t on there so I headed out the door. It worked out that I was meeting my friends at the outlet mall so we could ride together to Cincinnati, so I decided I would go to a baby store and buy a baby bib that said something about “Daddy” on it. Easy enough. Have you ever looked for a bib that says something about “Daddy” on it? After going into three stores and not finding one single bib, onesie, etc that says “Daddy”, I had to settle on a gender neutral onesie as my friends were about to pull in the parking lot. When they asked me what I bought at Carters I quickly answered that my sister in law had asked me to pick up something for my niece. I made it through the shower only being asked once why I wasn’t drinking a Mimosa. I gave some lame excuse of orange juice hurts my stomach and hoped no one asked again. I was so anxious to get home and share the good news with Mark. I had butterflies the whole way home and guarantee I should have gotten my who knows what number speeding ticket, but I made it. I ran in, said Hi to Mark who was in the living room, and headed straight to the office to grab a gift bag. I pulled the onesie out of my purse and stuffed it in the gift bag and walked into the living room. Mark was standing there with the biggest grin on his face. What? I asked as I handed him the bag. He just kept grinning as he held the gift bag and pointed at the ipad. Are you kidding me?? I asked. The picture had went to the iPad AFTER I had checked and he had already saw it. He pulled out the onesie still wearing the biggest smile I’ve seen and I began telling him the whole story of how my morning went. We were both that happiest we have ever been and nothing could take the smiles off our faces.

We were excited to tell someone our great news but also cautious as two of our very close friends had both suffered miscarriages four months earlier. We decided we would only tell our parents and siblings until we had our first appointment. We were in the process of beginning to build a new home so on the plans we crossed out what had originally said “Office” and wrote in “Baby Lightle’s room beginning March 2016”. My sister in law is a NP at my OBGYN office so she arranged for me to come in the following Monday to have my HCG drawn to confirm pregnancy. The two days waiting for the results were torturous but I finally got the call Wednesday as I was leaving work that we were indeed pregnant, however it was very early and we needed to have the lab drawn again just to make sure it was doubling like it was supposed to. I had my labs drawn the following Monday at the hospital where I worked so that I could get the results that same day. After a couple hours, the result was back and it looked good! I texted my sister in law and let her know what it was and she said we could probably do an ultrasound the following Friday. Mark and I met for lunch and discussed our future baby the whole time. We still couldn’t believe this was real! We were actually having a baby!

That evening I went to the restroom right before I was leaving to head home from work and my heart dropped. I had started to spot. I told myself this was normal and headed home. The whole way home I had a feeling in my gut that this wasn’t going to turn out well. I got home and went to the restroom hoping it had stopped but it hadn’t. I yelled for Mark and told him what was going on. He grabbed his phone and a couple seconds later he is reading to me from google how it can be normal in early pregnancy. I tried to stay calm but I had a feeling deep down that I was miscarrying. I cried some that evening while Mark continued to be the optimist and tell me everything was going to be fine. The next day I continued to spot off and on just a tiny bit. I googled all day long which resulted in me one minute verifying my worst fear that I was indeed having a miscarriage, to feeling relief reading how common it is and is nothing to worry about especially being as light as it was. I ended up texting my sister in law that evening telling her what was going on. She reassured me it could be normal, and if it wasn’t heavy bleeding there was no need to worry and to take it easy and rest. The following day I texted her and told her that Mark and I were going crazy and could not stop worrying. The spotting had not stopped and I wanted to check my HCG levels to see what was going on. The following morning on Thursday, I had my blood drawn before going in to work. Around noon our worst fear was confirmed. My HCG level had dropped significantly. I called Mark who was at lunch with coworkers and quickly told him the news. I walked out of work without saying a word, got in my car, and drove to a park nearby. I sent my sister in law a text with the result, and within minutes she was calling me. As soon as I said hello the tears came. Mark came to the park and we sat in my car cried. I was devastated that we had lost our baby, but seeing how upset he was broke my heart into a million more pieces.

The following weeks were difficult and we relied on our close friends who had experienced this same pain before us. During this time I thought about how I wish I would have done more for my two girl friends who had went through this just a few months ago. I of course, had reached out to them and told them how sorry I was, but until you have experienced this, you have no idea how it feels. I also realized how lucky I was to have two friends who could relate to what I was feeling and had felt the same type of pain, anger, and disappointment I was feeling. (Side note: both of these friends now have beautiful babies that continue to give me hope our day is coming).

Going through a miscarriage is one of the most emotional things I have ever experienced. Going from feeling such happiness and excitement for the future to feeling like you have been kicked in the stomach and grieving for someone you never even laid eyes on is very difficult. We miscarried at six weeks, and some may say “was it even a baby yet”, all I can say for us is, Yes. Yes it was a baby, it was our baby, our baby that we had hoped and prayed for long before those six weeks, our baby that I still think about all the time, that I would think about how far along I would have been as those next months went on, that I thought about when we moved into our new home and there wasn’t a Baby Lightle’s Room, that I still think about how old he or she would be now and what our lives would be like. The onesie that I bought Mark is still currently hanging along side his clothes in our closet, and I know one day we will have our baby to put in it.

 

Mark and I celebrated our two year anniversary yesterday and it had me thinking about all the things we have went through good and bad the last two years. It also reminded me how lucky I am to have such a loving and supportive husband to go through the tough stuff with.

I think people sometimes forget that infertility affects both people in the relationship, not just the woman. Sure it’s the woman who usually has that natural desire to bare children (not all women), and it is very frustrating when your body is not doing what it was “made” to do and what all the other women around you’s bodies are doing. But, at least in my case, the man has that same desire to have children and start a family with his wife/significant other. There is no doubt in my mind that Mark wants a baby or babies just as much as I do, and sometimes I feel like I’m the one who gets all the sympathy and support when it is US that is going through this not just ME. Now, I know it’s not the norm for guys to talk about their feelings like girls, and I don’t expect Mark and his friends to sit around and talk about the latest details of our journey every time they’re together like my girlfriends and I do. I just want people to remember, and not just for Mark, but for everyone out there that may be experiencing something like this, that the man is just as invested as the woman. Yes its me that has gone through the majority of the lab work, testing, procedures, medications, etc, but I haven’t been doing it alone. I have had my husband by my side every step of the way, making sure I’m feeling ok, asking questions (sometimes funny ones), and taking time off work for appointments. He has also had to experience some things he probably never thought he would have to do before. For instance, one of our conversations the other day was me texting him asking if he wanted his appointment to give sperm to freeze before our other appointment or after. Poor guy, but he has taken it all like a champ and I couldn’t ask for him to be any better. He remains the strong and positive one for us, he lets me have my moments of sadness or anger, but then is quick to snap me out of it and remind me how blessed we already are and how he “knows” everything is going to work out.

I am very fortunate to have the husband that I do, and we are very fortunate to have the family and friends that we do. Please just remember if you know others going through this, to try be as supportive as you can to both, as the man will usually “be a man” and look like he is fine, but could probably use just as much love and support as his wife.