When you don’t make the team

Think about when you were a kid and you were trying out for a sport you wanted to play. You had practiced, did everything the coach told you to do, but you still didn’t make the team. Add to that, the feeling of sitting in the stands watching everyone around you, friends, family, strangers, people on TV, all getting to play this game you so desperately want to play. That is the best way I can explain how infertility feels. I just can’t seem to make the “Mom Team” no matter how hard I try.

I would be lying if I said there haven’t been times I’ve felt like an outsider, even with our closest friends and family. Sure, we aren’t the only ones without kids, but we are the only ones without kids that are openly trying to have kids right now. The majority of our close friends either already have kids or are pregnant. I sometimes worry that since we aren’t on the team, that we may somehow drift away from those who have been our closest friends for years.

It’s been a tough thing to navigate, and in the beginning I honestly didn’t know how to. There would be times that I felt jealous and envious of our friends, and even sadness when we found out someone was pregnant, because we still weren’t. That then led to guilt and being angry with myself because these are people we love, how can I feel these things!? It took a while for me to accept that it is part of what comes with infertility and luckily I have been able to move past those feelings and thankfully no longer experience them. It took me realizing and reminding myself more times then I could count, that there is a reason that God is making us take the long way around. I have prayed a lot to be able to release those negative feelings and be able to once again be happy and celebrate in the joy of a new baby like I desperately wanted to with our close friends.

I think it can be a challenge for those that are close with someone going through infertility as well. You don’t know what to do or say, you don’t want to pry but also don’t want to come across as not caring. There are times when those of you with kids are getting together, do you invite the one without a kid? What’s worse, the possibility of her coming and feeling sad the whole time because everyone has kids but her, and the majority of conversations are about the kids, pregnancy experiences, etc. Or, being left out because she doesn’t have a kid? I can say personally, being left out would hurt me more than being around everyone with a kid. I absolutely love every one of our friends’ kids and truly enjoy being around them. I think it would make me feel like more of an “outsider” if I knew I wasn’t invited to something because I wasn’t a mom yet. However, I am human, and there have been times when it seems like every conversation when I’m with my girl friends is babies, and I have nothing to contribute to the conversation, so I sit quietly reminding myself that someday I too will have things in common with them again. Everyone is different, and there are some people who are going through this that cannot handle being around kids or pregnant women at all. So my advice if you know anyone struggling with infertility, is to just remember everyone deals with things differently and not to take it personal if that person withdraws a little or declines an invitation (especially a baby shower, those can be tough!), but please try not to exclude them just because they aren’t a Mom yet.

Infertility sucks, and the emotions that come with it are difficult and can be exhausting. But, after 21 months, it has gotten a bit easier, thanks to our friends, our families, and God. I’ve finally come to terms that there is a reason for this, and even though I may not see it or understand it, we are blessed that God already knows how its all going to turn out, and even if we aren’t able to have our own baby, on our own, we still have plenty of options left to get me on that Mom Team. 🙂